adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
