Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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