I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
