Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize