I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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