I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
