Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
