Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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