Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
