why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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