probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
