We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
