I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
