I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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