Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
