I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize