at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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