i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
