why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
