I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize