he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
