she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
