Jerry, you need to find god
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
