I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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