Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
