I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
