its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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