i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
