It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just gargled with NyQuil
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
