I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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