Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
