I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
