Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
