You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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