He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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