if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
