this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
