OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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