a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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