oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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