Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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