His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
