Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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