I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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