i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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