So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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