my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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