ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
