Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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