I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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