I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
