The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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