Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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