we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
