just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
