Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Still dying that you shit outside
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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