just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
