he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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