Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
