Just cropdusted the office
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
