Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
