his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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