Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
