i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
